Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
