So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
zippers are such a cool invention
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
