I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
