On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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