after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
