We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
