Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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