Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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