he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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