i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
