she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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