The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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