you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
