the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
