I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
