I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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