You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
