Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
