I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
