3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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