I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
