I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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