i was born a porn star she said
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
