girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
