Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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