i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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