he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
