my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
