Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
