I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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