you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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