I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
