girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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