So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
