I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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