what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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