I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
