Your dad touched me again.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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