I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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