The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
