Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
