I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
