If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
