Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
