then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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