I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
