someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
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