I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
