First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
