Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
