When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
