I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
