dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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