Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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