I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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