Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
