Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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