i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
